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Monthly Archives: February 2011
I had a blast at the Wild vs Kings game on Thursday night. Really good and close game. A lot of big hits!
It was a special night honoring Kings Alumni, Bob Berry. He was a former player and coach for the team. It was fun seeing a video about him and hearing him speak. He had lots of family in the arena and they were good and loud. =)
The odd thing was how the Wild didn’t come out until the ceremony was completely over. I would have expected to see them be witness to it. Their bench remained empty until much later.
It was really fun to watch the Kings bench react to Bob’s speech. He mentioned looking forward to this team bringing home the Stanley Cup and you could very easily see which members of the team were really invested in the Kings.
Another change was the performance of a local band on the smoking balcony during the 2nd intermission. Pretty cool to see the organization mixing things up and reaching out to the music community in LA. I think the band was called Later Days. Look them up!
I posted rants all over the Kings message boards to do this. Maybe they were listening! haha.
Other than that, a good typical hockey game. No fights but, lots of passion none the less.
I really felt good getting back to the Staples Center to shoot hockey. The team has been gone all of February and I was missing this.
I’m very excited about the home games coming up!
Heaps more photos if you click “Continue reading »”
On Monday night I spent time with some more great old friends that I don’t see nearly enough. Myke Armstrong, Marc Halperin, Paul Mocey-Hanton, Steve Davis, Blake (brother), Ami Storck, Sam Marie, Bonnie Hussey and I all met up to go see our A-Plus-Number-One friend, Jacob Fatoorechi, play a special show with the band Of Verona. He is their lead guitarist and it was my first time seeing them.
If you look around my blog you will find Jacob a few times in other bands. He’s a super talented guy and lends his talents to various bands. I really wasn’t sure what to expect going into the show. But, Of Verona was opening up for Moby so I assumed it was going to be good. Keep your eye out for some Moby photos in this bunch. haha.
I definitely did not make an ass out of myself or anyone else. They were great! Really moody alternative rock with an awesome female singer.
Jacob of course was as fun and rockin on stage as ever. ^_^
Just as impressive as the live show, the band is not currently signed but managed to get MTV to do a feature on them for some new show that is taking over TRL.
Arcade Fire wins the Grammy for Best Album and apparently even MTV realizes indie bands are safe to give air time to. haha.
Our other friend, Cam Tang, was randomly DJing the first half of the night too. Such a fun night! He’s the DJ in the photos. =)
Go check Of Verona out when you get bored: Of Verona
Heaps more photos if you click “Continue reading »”
A new symptom has caught my attention thanks to it occurring much more often. There is this strange sensation of euphoria that washes over my body. Not my entire body though. Just in sections.
It feels a bit like getting tickled. That type of chill that moves out and along a piece of your body. But, it is just the good part of being tickled. Not the jarring part that makes your muscles tense up and often times makes you want to smack the person tickling you.
It seems like it is being triggered by the movement of my head. Specifically from side to side. It happens a bit more when I am moving quickly or suddenly.
The sensation washes out from my eyes down to my neck moving backwards mostly. When I am moving quickly it seems to stem out from my joints. Mainly my knees and elbows and moves along my limbs out to my toes or fingertips. I don’t really feel it run its way through my core.
Playing hockey has become a bit more interesting. That’s for sure. Kinda glad our championship game is this Tuesday. It is probably not the smartest thing to be playing without investigating this further. haha.
Perhaps I should stop waiting on the doctors to return my voice mails and take a bit more initiative to get those appointments with the psychiatrist and with the MRI for my brain set up. haha.
I think I’ll copy and paste this description to the one doctor’s email account now that I’ve gotten it written down. Maybe she’ll have more ideas than the last suggestion checking for some infectious diseases.
Good thing I have a blog to jot things down in! haha.
I had a great time catching up with my friends Myke and Jeff while seeing Jeff’s band, Jeffertitti’s Nile, play a great show! Nothing like a good mixture of amazing tunes and amazing friends <3
I have been trying to make it out to a Jeffertitti’s Nile show for a long time in the past few months but, not nearly as hard as I should have been trying. They really are great fun to witness!
Be sure to look them up!!! Jeffertitti’s Nile
Heaps more photos if you click “Continue reading »”
I got this crazy rad tool donated to me from a friend to help me out with an art project I am working on. It is really amazing how wonderful the people I have surrounding me in my life are. It is always the people that I unfortunately do not see often that really catch me off guard by how much they are willing to help me out.
It is not the scale of what a person does. Simply, that they do something positive. An old friend I had not seen for over a year on New Year’s simply told me they were here for me if I needed someone and one of my teammates on my hockey team that I have had only one serious conversation with offered their time and ear to me last week. Both of those gestures are just as meaningful and special to me as receiving this printer. All of these things are just as surprising to me too.
It is hard to understand how/why someone that I rarely talk to is so willing to stand by my side when I don’t feel like I have done enough to be worthy of that. I suppose that is a big part of the problem though, huh?
haha, aw well. All I know is I’m pretty happy right now and really motivated to work hard on this art project and the other goals I have on my list. I’m thankful I don’t need to work on these things all alone. =)
My grandmother, Eleanor, has been reaching out to me during this whole health ordeal I’m dealing with. She’s a very wise woman. She’s a psychologist, very well read, constantly learning all she can get her hands on, and she has been through cancer twice in her life and beaten it.
The first time she battled breast cancer and was in her 30s if I recall correctly, and the second time she battled esophageal cancer in her late 60s. Both times were more or less grim outlooks by doctors and those around her. Especially, that second time. But, she never gave up and somehow willed herself to get through it all. Her insides are quite rearranged from the surgeries and treatments and I’m sure an MRI would confuse most doctors upon first glance.
She’s now in her 70s and as strong as ever but still going through hardships. As proven by her many accidents she has been involved in recently (falling down the stairs and taking a sleeping pill and continuing to do some errands around the house only to pass out while walking are the freshest in my mind) and her lack of injuries resulting. Not to mention she only has one good eye and both have had their share of time under the knife. I don’t think that good eye is supposed to be as good as it is either. haha.
Knowing how much my grandma has been through and dealt with it came as quite a surprise to hear her conclude our talk with the words “I don’t envy you right now.”
It kinda scared me but made me feel better.
She called and wanted an update on what the doctors were saying and what I’m going through currently.
I explained how the doctors have been doing more tests but the latest results have not come in yet. The doctors have tested most of my hormones, starved me for 82 hours straight while taking about 75 vials of blood for tests, conducted an MRI that turned up something on my pancreas, followed up with an endoscopy and decided nothing was really there, biopsied some lymph nodes nearby that were unusually swollen, decided I didn’t have cancer, and have now realized they did not test my testosterone levels yet. Apparently, an in-balance of that hormone would explain my change in personality and physical ailments. It has been almost two weeks since I had that test conducted and it is getting frustrating…more than normal…waiting.
I told her about the physical afflictions affecting me currently. My sleeping pattern is so messed up. I can’t sleep at all until complete exhaustion kicks in. I spend hours in bed tossing and turning in discomfort as my body cycles through being too hot and too cold with no happy medium, all the while sweating. It isn’t until about 9am that my body just succumbs to the absolute need to sleep. From that point on its near impossible to wake up and be productive. My body is so convinced sleep will never come again that it almost feels like sleep paralysis when I first realize I’m awake. Other than that I’m still dealing with weird weight loss (hovering around -20 pounds where I was when I was healthy) even though I am eating well and playing hockey again, this strange sensation I get in my body and face that feels like I’m chewing a mouthful of aluminum foil, my limbs getting pins and needles randomly without a reason for loss of circulation to them, and some digestive problems.
She wanted to know more about the mental aspects most of all since she’s a psychologist. She has been giving me some exercises to help try to get me take focus away from negative thoughts in my head and ground me more. I told her how the anxiety I have been feeling is still constant all day and only the intensity of it alters. It never goes away. I’m now feeling really angry randomly which is more and more obvious to me. I’m totally depressed and frustrated because I don’t understand what is going on with me and therefore I don’t know what to do to fix it. I told her more about how it has all caused me to react and treat people closest to me badly. Ugh, especially my ex. Which is even more frustrating because none of them ever deserves for me to redirect my feelings about myself and situation towards them. I said how I got the numbers of a specialist dealing with post traumatic stress disorder and a psychiatrist. I haven’t set up a meeting with the specialist because since I got the number I keep sleeping until his office is closed. And, setting something up with a psychiatrist is pre-mature right now as I wait for more information about what is going on with my physiology. At this point the psychiatrist would be making guesses about what medicine might help. If I wait for these latest test results I can at least allow her to make more educated attempts at helping.
The worst thing is certainly feeling lost inside my body and fighting it and my mind. I hate knowing how different I was a year ago and feeling like I’m chasing after a mirage of myself. It’s been three months since I started getting help and I’m not any closer to knowing what is wrong or what to do to be me again.
My grandma asked me if any of the exercises had been helping. They are supposed to occupy your mind by forcing it to do an activity and therefore it is unable to focus on anything else. However, in my mind even while I’m doing it all the negative thoughts and anxiety in my head is very loudly and prominently playing at the exact same time and my mind is fully capable of focusing itself on two thoughts/activities at once in this case.
It was at about that point my grandma told me she didn’t envy me. I didn’t understand it. I’m lucky and have no real reason to feel the way I do and it isn’t right when things could be so much worse. I told her it isn’t fair of me to even suspect anyone to say that to me. Let alone someone that has been through as much as she has.
She explained that what I’m going through is just as much of a battle and just as hard especially, since my mind is a key part of that fight. She said it is just as scary and frustrating as what she dealt with. My grandma was a lot more eloquent and wordy in how she explained it all and stressed how powerful and hard it is to deal with ones mind and its effects on oneself.
I still don’t know if I feel better or more confused knowing she feels that way.
I feel better knowing she feels so strongly that what I’m going through is serious and real. That is something I get lost in wondering. Is this whole sickness real or is it just simply in my head and I can snap out of it and I’m just being a baby. I suppose there wouldn’t be as many doctors involved looking as hard for an answer as I want one if it was simply in my mind though. Sometimes, it takes a lot more than the obvious signs around me to be convinced of something though.
It did scare me a little though. I feel like this is won’t be something I get through any time soon. Hearing that phrase come from her made me remember how long it took me to get rid of this terrible personality taking over me when I had the tumor.
Good thing she had more wise words to help me with that and do my best to just stay in the moment. If I could remember them I’d recite them here. I swear they were awesome and inspiring though. haha. I just know I need to stay in the moment.
I guess I should stop worrying about whether or not I’ll get those results tomorrow and focus on getting to sleep because at this moment I should be sleeping.
*update: testosterone levels came back within normal levels. Onward to new tests focusing on infections and looks into my brain. I suppose with something else not being the cause I am technically closer to knowing what is.